Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
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Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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