You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
