The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
