There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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