i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
