no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
