Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
