My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize