my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
