My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
