So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
