I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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