So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
