theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
