Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
