Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
