A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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