I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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