his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
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Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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