Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
