Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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