If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
