Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
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