Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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