Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.