you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday