.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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