i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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