Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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