I didn't shave. On purpose
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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