cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
