We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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