The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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