the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
