so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
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