my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Girls should come with a carfax report
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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