Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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