Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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