wakey wakey hands off snakey
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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