Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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