I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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