Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
