party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
