How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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