Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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