If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
