What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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