I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
