Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
