Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
