so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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