I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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