Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
