I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
