I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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