someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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