Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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