Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
